every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
