They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
