Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The adults are the big ones right?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
