look no pants
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
