if i can run in heels then i can drive
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
i think i just lost a toe
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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