There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
