I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
