TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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