I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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