Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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