shes about as inviting as chlamydia
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
