it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
