i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
