If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
