No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
