she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
smell my finger.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
