Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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