Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
