Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
