vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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