There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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