I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
