just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
