Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
