why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm too high and old for this...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
