The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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