His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
