So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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