I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
