i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
When are your genitals available?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
