Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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