he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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