I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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