you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
