i'm signing you up for texting rehab
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
