im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
