We won't sleep together?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
