true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
