I skipped work to stalk him.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
