i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
