What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
