I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
