when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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