And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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