I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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