I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
