I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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