she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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