I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
