wakey wakey hands off snakey
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
