dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
