Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
