I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
