I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
